Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
