better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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