I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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