She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
