I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
