I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize