I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize