we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
