I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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