hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
