Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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