She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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