i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
