at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
