he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
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