The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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