Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
