Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize