i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
