this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
