I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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