I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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