Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
