my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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