There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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