She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
