it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
