the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
