oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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