I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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