a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Randomize
