I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
