I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
