Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We need to feng shui this bitch.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
