member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
