oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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