I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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