im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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