do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you would pick up someone in the library
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
