I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
