how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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