Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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