Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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