I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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