I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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