On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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