This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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