Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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