Just cropdusted the office
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
