we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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