Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
