Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
