Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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