i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
