matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
