Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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