ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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