She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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