I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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